Where do I fit?

This isn't a pity me post, I just got to thinking this morning.  I don't really feel like I "fit" in any one particular niche of life.

Right now in my life, I'm a stay at home mom and a homemaker.  So that's where I should fit in.  I guess, technically.  It's not really by choice though.  No, I do not work out of the home right now, though I have.  I send out resumes endlessly, but have had no luck to date.  Once my son is deposited safely on the school bus and I blow one last kiss as it drives my baby to school, I return home and try to busy myself through the day.  Often times I nap.  Most of the time I put off housework trying to find something to entertain myself.  This is where the undomestic part hinders me.

I don't have a home cooked meal on the table every night for supper.  I could, maybe, but the plain truth is I just have a hard time making myself do it.  I don't overly enjoy the effort cooking entails, or hearing my son whine about whatever I choose to make and how it's "disgusting."  Now, I know I'm not that bad of a cook.  I quite like the things I make.  I just get tired of the ungratefulness.

My home is not spotless.  There are so many things I'd rather do (though I can't even think of one right this second) than make sure each room in this apartment is clean, all the dishes are always done, and there isn't a speck of dust everywhere.  I'll get to it when I have the motivation to get to it.

I don't feel like I fit with other stay at home moms.  I'm not doing this because it's my life calling.  My child is in school all day.  I don't have any other little ones running around to keep me busy, as much as I would love to have another one.  My days are filled with boredom, hoping I might get some small activity to do that day besides the monotony of the house chores.  

I'm not the busy mom running around with my 3 children trying to coordinate everyone, I'm not the proud homemaker, I'm not the working mom who is trying to divide her time between her job and her child and her home.  I'm just one mom, with one child, and without anyone to really relate to.

I am restless, bored, and wanting something, but I don't know what.  I am a woman without a purpose, a calling, that thing I love to do and do so wholeheartedly.  Or even just a little thing.  Besides making sure my child is fed, watered, clean, dressed, and loved, I have nothing driving me. 

I just want a little bit of passion, something to call my own.  Something to give a little shine to my days and make me feel good about my life.

Little Miss One Big Mess...

So I've never had an easy life.  I'm not one of those graced people who things come easily to, or life just goes smoothly for.  Every day there is some new crisis that I wonder how on earth I'll get out of.  It's just plain old frustrating and beyond tiring.  Emotionally and mentally.  And when one has a mental disorder, that sort of thing can catch up to you and make everything even worse.  It is not the most thrilling of cycles. 

The constant thorn in my side over the past year has been employment.  I have been lucky enough to qualify for employment insurance, but that is soon running out.  I have constantly and diligently handed out resume after resume after resume after...well, you get the idea, I am sure.  When you don't even get called for interviews, it gets incredibly disheartening. 

My boyfriend recently had an interview, his first since moving to the city.  Also the first job he applied to.  The next day, he gets a call saying he got the job.  Great!  Right?  Well, sadly it did not bring out the joy in me, only resentment.

I don't enjoy it, I want to be happy for him, and I am, but my own unhappiness is overshadowing that.  I have been in a kind of down place all week, just fed up and tired of life.  I resent that he gets the first job he applies for, when after almost a year I STILL can't find work.  It doesn't help that I can't work nights because it's impossible to find a reliable sitter to do shift work. 

I just don't understand why nothing ever seems to come that easily to me, or work out so well.  Why everything in my life has to be a constant struggle where I don't even know how I'll get up and face the day.  All I want is a decent paying, daytime hour, steady job.  So I can have extra money to spend on my son and do fun things with him, not have needing to buy him winter boots send me into a near panic because I don't know where the money is going to come from, which bill will have to fall behind.  I am just so tired.  I don't know if I can draw on any more strength.

I guess for now, I'll just try.  Maybe give up for today and see if tomorrow is any brighter.