So I've never had an easy life. I'm not one of those graced people who things come easily to, or life just goes smoothly for. Every day there is some new crisis that I wonder how on earth I'll get out of. It's just plain old frustrating and beyond tiring. Emotionally and mentally. And when one has a mental disorder, that sort of thing can catch up to you and make everything even worse. It is not the most thrilling of cycles.
The constant thorn in my side over the past year has been employment. I have been lucky enough to qualify for employment insurance, but that is soon running out. I have constantly and diligently handed out resume after resume after resume after...well, you get the idea, I am sure. When you don't even get called for interviews, it gets incredibly disheartening.
My boyfriend recently had an interview, his first since moving to the city. Also the first job he applied to. The next day, he gets a call saying he got the job. Great! Right? Well, sadly it did not bring out the joy in me, only resentment.
I don't enjoy it, I want to be happy for him, and I am, but my own unhappiness is overshadowing that. I have been in a kind of down place all week, just fed up and tired of life. I resent that he gets the first job he applies for, when after almost a year I STILL can't find work. It doesn't help that I can't work nights because it's impossible to find a reliable sitter to do shift work.
I just don't understand why nothing ever seems to come that easily to me, or work out so well. Why everything in my life has to be a constant struggle where I don't even know how I'll get up and face the day. All I want is a decent paying, daytime hour, steady job. So I can have extra money to spend on my son and do fun things with him, not have needing to buy him winter boots send me into a near panic because I don't know where the money is going to come from, which bill will have to fall behind. I am just so tired. I don't know if I can draw on any more strength.
I guess for now, I'll just try. Maybe give up for today and see if tomorrow is any brighter.
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